Wedding Disc Jockey

She asked me if I wanted to have children. I described a perfect blend of career and motherhood where I would work part-time and dedicate the rest of my time to raising my children. To my surprise she lectured me about what a poor mother I would be if I chose to work. Looking back at this conversation, I cannot help but wonder if her attitude toward me was a reflection of her own life and her regrets for choosing career over motherhood. Her son, my biological father, was not a good dad so I think her disappointment toward me that day was really the remorse she felt about her choices in balancing work and family and the effect it had on her son.

In the end, I pursued my career first. Out of college I joined one of the large public accounting firms. At 28, I married and was less focused on creating a family than I was about climbing the career ladder. After three years of marriage, my professional drive was replaced by my desire to become a mother, and my husband, Dave, and I embarked on the journey of trying to become pregnant.

As months passed, we were unable to create the baby we so desperately wanted. The sadness I felt became all-consuming. I lost all interest in career-based projects and topics. I started to lose my identity. I wasn't a mother, but I did not yet have a prestigious career title either. Infertile. This was not a title I wanted. I had no idea how this diagnosis would impact me or my marriage. At times, it seemed like my full-time job was test after test and procedure after procedure. I truly cannot imagine how a woman can undergo infertility treatments and maintain a full-time job. If I could have made a living researching the topic of infertility, I would have taken the position since I was already doing so for free!

I was surprised to find that my interest in my career waned the longer my husband and I struggled to create a family. At the same time, I was concerned that once I became a mother I would be too focused on my career and become the poor mother my grandmother predicted. A friend of mine, who is a business coach, used his skills to help me gain comfort that I would make the best decision for me and my hoped-for children.

Thanks to in vitro fertilization, my husband and I did become pregnant with twins. Our joy of pending parenthood was tested when I was hospitalized for preterm labor at only 24 weeks, gestation. At the request of my Ob/Gyn I had been winding down my work related projects in preparation for possible bed rest toward the end of my pregnancy, but 24 weeks was too soon. The fright of preterm labor was the start of my mindset change about career vs. motherhood. When my daughters were born at only 30 weeks' gestation, my life was put on hold and all I cared about was the health and survival of my children.

To manage the stress of twins at home, I hired a nanny to help me twenty hours per week. I felt guilty paying money to have someone help me when I wasn't working to cover their salary, so when my daughters were less than six months old I accepted a project to help offset the nanny expenses. I liked the mental stimulation and it was nice to be needed for something other than producing food. However, I was very tired and not truly ready to go back to work.

My daughters are now three years old. I've made a conscious decision to work less than full-time so that I can take an active part in raising my kids. Many of my friends are stay-at-home moms while others have chosen to or must work. The balance of career and family can be a delicate one. I for one know that I am a better mom when I am with my girls because I also continue to experience the challenges and growth that can only be found in the business environment. Each woman should strive to find the balance that is right for her.